I’m sorry I haven’t posted in forever. Because I’m not hip enough, I feel, to carry on with this blog. I have decided to switch over to twitter. I know, I hate me too. I’m witty as fuck as my followers know so follow me at:
https://twitter.com/#!/RyguyDrake
Let’s see if I can get as many followers as kim kardashian!
hipsters lyke 2 haxx dis stuff with pix of us in kids clothes and buttondowns.
irrelevant and irreverent. s0alt.
Tonight i went to the underbelly of kenyon college society. My friend took me to a party without telling me what it was for and a true hipster never turns down a good party unless its for Moby Dick. As i entered i saw girls screaming and using the word “betch” a lot. Two worlds were colliding, i was about to see the unexpected. I was at a zeta party. And not just any party….
The Seven Deadly Sins Party
The 7 Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices or Cardinal Sins, is a classification of objectionable vices that have been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct followers concerning fallen humanity’s tendency to sin. (thanx wikipedia). But i’m pretty sure they dont know that because it really just gives you an excuse to dress slutty with a completely legitimate reason. They all appeared to be lust except the two girls that were deep throating glowsticks on top of a table (gluttony duh). I was underdressed, obnoxiously ironic is not one of the deadly sins and too many articles of clothing were from Urban Outfitters(embarrassing). I felt out of my realm, but it was weirdly calming. Even if these zeta gurlz were classics and english majors, i dont think i’d see any discussion of it at this party. This was my opportunity to be the most hipster in the room at Kenyon. But just before i could even say The Velvet Underground we peaced that mutha fucka out. Oh well. Maybe next time.
I am very sorry that I haven’t updated my blog in so long (because i know this is the fucking cnn of tumblr). I originally had some bloggersblock and i could’ve reblogged some shit but that is lazy and typical (so not me). I moved back into school so things have been pretty crazy. Im taking classes that are liberal artsy as fuck which is hysterical because my strength in high school was math. Liberal artsy courses are for intellectualz and I want to be perceived as such. Im starting to feel like i am leaving my hipster hooked on phonics phase and can now transition into just full hipsterdom. I have been taking a lot of observations and feel more astute this year to the hipsters around me. Now i will share a few things i have learned:
1. You are suppose to support Obamacare because its liberal even if you dont know one fucking thing about it. Love obama because we love change except when it comes in the form of clothes (i love your dress from the Flannery O’connor collection). I hear this obamacare is making us more like Canada which would kill me but Arcade Fire is from there so i think it is okay. Gobama! (He is really looking after us hipsters).
2.Hate on the feather in hair trend. First of all, ITS FUCKING ROOSTER ASS HAIRS PEOPLE. Second of all, the only scenario where you look hipster with a feather in your hair is at your local suburban shopping mall. Its gross.
3. Battle with your friends over how much time you spend in the library and how much more legitimate your class is. Even if your class is “Counting Culinary education of the 1970s: A look at feminism through ancient islamic math in the hippy generation”. Just work it.
4. Film majors are assholes. Mean, weird, fat, hairy assholes.
5. If you hear someone singing, harmonize. When people start to look at you funny, make weird faces and talk like gollum and explain you are a lesbian. That way people know you are talented, hipster funny, and generally better than them.
6. Go on hikes. Or at least take a few pics of yourself near trees.
This was bound to happen at some point.
Tonight was quite a magical night as i learned just how judgmental I really am as well as how many similarities there really are between gay men and Ke$ha(ke$ha loves balls too). Let’s be honest, girls hate balls. Shaving your balls was just a concept created by gay men so that they could get easier, more direct access to them. Tonight i attended the get $leazy tour with ke$ha. I was asked to help chaperone with my friend three 14 year old girls at a ke$ha concert. Being the conceptualist all hipsters are, i thought about how great it is to tell everyone that I chaperoned a Ke$ha concert. As i entered the pavilion, hookers of all ages were dancing around. It was like something had glitter diarrhea all over an american apparel outlet. Fourteen year olds wore their ke$ha shirts with pride as they texted their boyfriends with a shitton of emoticons, drunk bitches were being drunk bitches, and i was sort of feeling awkward and tired after a tiring day of selling baby clothes. I thought wow, this is not hipster. But surprisingly out of the corner of my eye, i spotted cuffed skinny jeans and zero’d in like woody allen when he sees an issue of teen vogue, or katherine heigl everytime she gets the chance to be an uptight bitch in some shitty romcom. A HIPSTER WAS HERE. Hipsters really should love Ke$ha. She doesnt shower, she doesnt give a fuck, she never takes herself seriously, and her music is as abrasive as balls (aftershadow balls)(so lofi). While i was in the momen,t i loved every second of “ratatat on your dum dum drum, the beat so fat gonna make me cum….over to your place”(which she replaced with over to your face), but then every once in awhile i would go outside of myself and watch myself watching ke$ha and i realized how terrible this all was(how meta of me). This is why the french hate americans. The only things that saved me were that one hipster, the 8th grade couple dancing in a rocking prom pose, and the skinny half-closeted shirtless boy covered in glitter krunk grinding with his obese lady friend two rows infront of me because he makes her feel beautiful. Even though im ashamed for loving Ke$ha, there is a hipster here and im finding that i hate 85% of the population. Hipster crisis averted. Just in time for “grow a pear”. Man was that bitch blackout.
“Im a Hipster” written by: Ryan Drake
This is a song i wrote for you all. There are about 5 whole chords in this song. The lyrics mean a lot to me. I wrote them in 5 whole minutes. Also i forgot to mention in the song that if you like urban outfitters you are a capitalist homophobic* consumer-loving whore. Also this video is lo fi, just like your mother. BAM
A failed hipster cry for help. Typically a hipster takes an opportunity like this and turns it into song. Do you even play an instrument precious? Also, you say you have nothing to write about? At least write a poem and call it “stigmatic shadows”. I dont know what the fuck that means but i enjoy the alliteration. But i do like your cardigan. Keep it up precious, one day.
I find myself struggling to figure out what is considered hipster and what is just flamboyantly homosexual. It’s a fine line my friends. A fine line. I’d take a picture of myself shirtless to get a few more followers but i’ve put on a few lbs. Wellesley just got a Pinkberry and that shit is like crack. Us WASPS are drawn to froyo with fresh fruit like moths to a flame. The 180 calories is a lie.
Attempting hipsterhood is exhausting. Being constantly aware of your image without anyone else noticing is hard and its ruhl expensive to look poor these days. Though i did get a slighly hipster haircut, it is still not enough. My waspyness is very similar to all the stains you find in your grandmother’s bathtub;that shit is not coming out, even with bleach. I could not shower, but my skin couldn’t handle that and i’d be breakout monster and no one wants that, i mean i CANT have that(especially once i become famous). And as much as i try to smell, i just found this deoderant(how the fuck do you spell that word) called swagger. It is slightly embarrassing that it’s called swagger, i mean I’m pretty sure i am about 5 12 step programs and arrests for drug possessions away from being Snoop Dogg. So how does one look more hipster while still bathing?
No it isn’t an “it gets better” video, i tried that and i’m still waspy as shit.
Tattoos.
Im watching The Real L Word(typical), and while getting my weekly education of lesbian culture and how the female’s anatomy is suppose to be handled (damn are those sex scenes graphic) I noticed all of these hipster lesbian bitches have tattoos(and intense jaw lines). And none of those tacky tattoos like fucking “happy” written in chinese on your right shoulder blade. A hipster would never dare get cherries because even if it is for ironic purposes, ironic tattoos are for the inside of your lip. To have a hipster tattoo it has to be like the rest of your life. Intellectual and obscure. Picking the right tattoo is like picking which third world country your adopted baby is adopted from or whether to get a duck or a ferret for your next pet. Hipster decisions are the hardest decisions.
So for 3 whole minutes, i totally wanted a tattoo. And then after those 3 minutes i decided instead i’d just find a tattoo’d lesbian sidekick. That about shows my attention span and my level of commitment to anything. My stance of tattoos have always been “id rather just get it on a shirt”. And though it would give me a hipster edge there is always the fedora.
or not.
Fine ill just buy some more fucking corduroy cut offs.
